


Eats me away (written in 3rd person POV)

by arkflikka



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anorexia, Depression, Eating Disorders, M/M, Purging, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-20
Updated: 2016-06-20
Packaged: 2018-07-16 07:13:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7257733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arkflikka/pseuds/arkflikka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a re-written version, I've changed it to 3rd person POV.<br/>This is gonna be chapter 1-32 and then I will link you to the original, since I'm gonna switch to write in 3rd person, and if I decide not to, I will continue to update in 3rd person on this, if anyone want me to. </p><p>And I'm sorry, if anyone gets confused :)<br/>Also, it's kind of my first time writing in 3rd person, so it might not make sense at all :)</p><p>**</p><p>To hide your true self, it eats you away.<br/>To be forbidden to be with the one you love, it hurts.</p><p>It begins as a way to cope...<br/>...now it's a way to survive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Harry has never been prone to tell lies. He can’t recall ever doing it, not even a white lie on a rare occasion when he forgot to do his homework. He had told the teacher the truth, that he has played videogames instead of doing the homework. But nowadays it felt as if all he does it telling lies. Lying to the people he loves, the people who he care about. Lying to the people that love him, that care about him, even if it was beyond him why.

_I’m not hungry._

_I already ate._

_I feel a little sick._

_My tummy hurts._

_I’m just stressed._

_It’s just the cat._

_A fan grabbed me to hard._

_It’s just cold._

_I’ve not cried, I got soap in my eyes when I showered._

_It’s nothing, just got something in my eye, that’s all._

_I’m just tired._

_I’m okay._

_I’m fine._

And since he pretty much never lied they believed him. No one saw. No one noticed. It was amazing what a baggy, long-sleeved shirt and a smile can hide. No one noticed when the collection of scars on his writs grew. No one noticed the pounds he shed and the bones that protruded more for each day that passed. No one saw. No one noticed. And that suited him perfectly.

**

Stepping of the scale with a sinking feeling of disappointment wasn’t something new.  Harry weighed himself every day, several times, knowing it was going to ruin his day, but he still do it. He picked up the brown leather journal from the bed, jotting down the disgustingly high number on the right page. He had only lost 4 ounces.

It was still an hour and a half until Harry had to meet up with the lads, and he was going to make the most of that hour to make sure that next time it would be more than 4 ounces. Unfortunately Liam had insisted they should have a proper movie-night, complete with shitty films, popcorn and greasy pizza.

Harry felt like he was flying, his feet barely touching the ground. Heart pounding, lungs burning from the lack of oxygen, muscles straining to keep him running, a faint taste of copper in his mouth, small black dots dancing in front of his eyes, but he felt numb, he felt perfect. He had pushed every thoughts of having to eat pizza or to tell yet another lie to the back of his mind, trying his hardest not to think about it.

When Harry was back in front of their flat he had to lean over with his hands on his knees to catch his breath. His stomach twisted and he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, hoping the queasiness would disappear. But no such luck, in the next second he’s retching up the non-existent food in his stomach. After dry heaving for what felt like an eternity, but surely ‘only’ was like five minutes his stomach finally settled down and he gulped down a few deep breaths. He felt weak, and it made him hate himself a little more, he didn’t want to want to be weak, he wanted to be perfect. To feel a little better he tried to count how many calories he had burnt today. Running for an hour equaled 574 calories burnt, having eaten two celery-stick, and with celery being negative calories, he had basically not consumed any calories today and it felt really good, no it felt fantastic to be running on empty.

**

Walking up the stairs has never been so exhausting before, and it has never taken so long. He had to stop every four steps and sit down to avoid passing out. When he finally made it to the top of the stairs the room felt as if it was spinning around him but he ignored it, determent to get to his room. Black dots were dancing in front of his eyes as he made his way to the wardrobe, digging out his polaroid-camera that was hidden in a box beneath some sweaters. Besides the camera itself there were almost a hundred small square-shaped pictures, all with the motive turned downwards, away from sight. Harry picked the camera up from the box and put it on the bedspread before stripping down to boxers. He grabbed the camera again and went into the bathroom. Standing in front of the full-body mirror, avoiding looking at his reflection, snapping a picture of himself. When the small square came out he waved it a little, to allow it to dry.

After he had put the newly taken picture and the camera back in the bow, he hid it beneath the sweaters and went back to the bathroom. He took of his boxers and taking his temperature before stepping into the shower and turning down the thermostat down to 12°C, as low as he could go at the moment. He stood under the spray, watching the roof, letting his fingers dance across his body, feeling the fat, all the disgusting fat and the slightly raised scars on his arm. He didn’t look down once during his fifteen minute ice-cold shower, he didn’t want to see the masses of fat that still clung to every part of his body, he wanted to get rid of all the fat, of all the weight that was left before he was perfect. He took his temperature again, it had dropped 2 degrees. That meant his body would burn another 400 calories getting his temperature up to normal again. After doing a silent celebration in his head he dried himself and got dressed.

**

Harry was still shivering by the time he reached Liam’s flat. It was Niall that opened the door and Harry didn’t even get a ‘Hi’ out before Niall had enveloped him in one of his bone crushing hugs. Harry used to love those hugs and take comfort in them, now he just wanted Niall to let go so that he wouldn’t feel his disgusting body. Then Harry heard a voice that made his heart swell in his chest, dear God how he had missed him. Louis shoved Niall aside and then Louis’ arms were around Harry, and Harry was conflicted, one side of him wanted Louis to let go and the other side wanted Louis to never release him from his embrace, just keep holding him together.

“Why didn’t you answer when I called you, sweet cheeks?” Louis murmured into the column of Harry’s neck.

Mumbles of ‘Oh God’ and ‘Get a room’ echoed in the background as Harry racked his brain, trying to think of an excuse that Louis would buy. He should have known that Louis would ask, he had just repressed it, his mind completely focused on burning as many calories as he could.

“I had to go to LA to record some stuff for the album and forgot my charger.”

It was possibly one of the worst lies he had ever told, but it was the best he could come up with at the moment.

“You forgetful little goofball.” He said and ruffled Harry’s curls.

Harry didn’t want him to be all sweet and lovey-dovey and forgive him. He wanted Louis to be angry with him for lying to him, for missing the charity-football match. Harry huffed, pretending to be offended by the comment. Louis let him go and Harry had to swallow hard to get rid of the lump of emotions that was forming in his throat.

“Pizza is ready guys!” Zayn hollered from the kitchen.

That’s when the smell of pizza hit Harry. It made his stomach roll, and he felt slightly nauseated at just the thought of eating, letting the fat-filled crust and the thick melted cheese pass through his lips. He had only eaten two celery-sticks today and he’d ran for an hour, but there was still no way he was going to eat the pizza, or anything for that matter. All empty calories, not worth the effort it took to get of it afterwards.

**

“What about you, H? Are you not going to eat?” Zayn asked and put his arms around Harry’s shoulders.  
“I’m actually trying to cut down on all the junk food, so no.”  
“Yeah, maybe you need to diet.” Louis said and poked Harry in the stomach with his finger.

Harry flinched, both at Louis’ words and at the finger touching all those rolls of fat. Deep down he knew Louis was only joking around, but the words got to him, Louis thought he was fat. Harry knew he was fat and needed to lose weight, but hearing Louis say it, it just hurt. Harry squirmed away from Louis and leaned into Zayn’s side.

“You know Zayn will be sad if you don’t taste, he made it himself.” Niall said and Harry could feel his heart sink.  
“Yeah, I made a pizza for you each and I made this especially for you and it would make me really, really sad if you don’t at least taste it.”

Harry sighed and gave up. He just had to burn it off or purge it or something later. One slice was 230 calories, if he ran home later he would burn it off.

**

Harry managed to choke down one slice and drank a glass of water while the others nearly inhaled their pizzas and drank beer. Harry could feel the thick dough and melted cheese weigh heavily in his stomach and he itched to get rid of it.

He used to enjoy their movie nights, but now he just wanted to get out of there, go for a run to burn off those dreadful calories. His mind was too focused on the pizza clinging to the walls of his stomach, calories being digested, and he couldn’t enjoy the movies and when the movie had come to an end he could swear that if someone had asked him what the movie had been about he wouldn’t have been able to give them an answer.


	2. Chapter 2

Louis was drunk. Not extremely so, just enough to be having trouble walking straight, speech slightly slurred and being even more clingy than usual. He had managed to down seven beers during the night. 1 beer was 440ml, which was 4.4dl. Beer was 40kcalI/100g, so 1 beer was 176kcal so 7 beers equaled 1232kcal. 1232 of liquid calories. Harry shuddered at the thought.

Louis being drunk meant Harry had to take a cab home with him. Harry needed to run and burn off the calories from the pizza, but Louis had insisted that he simply did not have the energy to walk home and he was most certainly not taking a cab alone. And now he was almost sitting in Harry’s lap, lips attached to Harry’s neck, hands stroking every part of Harry he could reach. Harry really wanted him to stop, wanted some space. Harry’s stomach hurt and he felt even more disgusting when he knew that Louis could feel all the rolls of fat. Louis climbed into his lap, arms encircling his neck. Harry felt suffocated, he couldn’t breathe. He really, really fucking wanted Louis to let go. When Louis started placing small butterfly kisses all over his face Harry couldn’t take it anymore and shoved Louis off him. Louis slumped down in his seat, covering his face with his small hands.

“I just really missed you, Hazza.” He whispered and his voice sounded choked up as if he was trying his best to hold back tears.

Guilt hit Harry like a freight train in the chest. He had made Louis cry.

_He doesn’t love you anymore. He’s never loved you. You’re far too fat and ugly to be loved._

Harry shook his head, trying his hardest to not listen to the voice in his head and reached for Louis.

“Come here, Boo. I’m sorry, I got a cramp in my arm and I had to stretch it out.”

Louis gave him a tiny nod before looking up and Harry could see small droplets running down his cheeks. Harry patted the spot beside his leg and Louis slowly scooted over, still a little cautious.

“You still love me?” Louis whispered when he had cuddled up against Harry’s side.  
“Always. I miss you too, Boo.”

**

When they arrive at their flat the rain is pouring down and they walk as fast as Louis’ slightly uncoordinated limbs allow to the door. Louis slumped down on the floor once they were at the door. Did he just pass out? But then Harry heard him mumble something under his breath before he yawned and rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand.

“Come on, Boo. You can’t sleep here.” Harry said, as he tried to get Louis to stand up.  
“Tired.” Louis slurred.  
“I know and you can sleep as soon as you’re in the bed, okay?”

Louis sighs and nods, slinging his arm over Harry’s shoulders and lets Harry support more than half of his weight. Louis’ not heavy by any means, and maybe it’s Harry’s lack of nutrient, but when they got to the top of the stairs Harry was out of breath and the room were swimming in front of his eyes. He soldiered on and got them both to bed, where Louis unceremoniously collapses and curls up on the duvet without even bothering to take his clothes off.

After finally succeeding in stripping Louis down to his boxers Harry tucks him in and goes to change into pajamas. He used to sleep naked, or in boxers, but nowadays he just can’t stand the thought of someone seeing his body without layers of clothing covering it up. Sleeping in pajamas took a while to get used to, but when he did he had learned to like it. And him and Louis hadn’t done anything for months. Partially due to the world tour and their stressful schedule with concerts, photo-shoots, interviews, recordings and traveling, but the biggest reason was Harry and his fat, ugly, disgusting body.

Harry crawled down under the covers expecting Louis to be fast asleep so when he felt an arm snake around his waist he was shocked. It took him a moment to relax and when he had he felt how Louis had snuggled up behind him, arms wrapped around Harry’s stomach, face pressed into his shirt. A smile spread out on his lips, he loved and absolutely adored when Louis tried being the big spoon.

“You don’t really need to diet, you know.” Louis murmured sleepily against Harry’s back before his breathing evened out and Harry knew Louis had fallen asleep.

**

His stomach was churning, skin crawling and the back of his throat itching. He needed release. Needed to get rid of the pizza. Harry knew that the thick crust and all the melted cheese had been digested and left his stomach a long time ago by now and that he wouldn’t get anything of it up if he tried. It was too hot under the covers and Louis’ warm body pressed up against his back did nothing to make him feel better. Harry felt his chest tighten with panic and seconds later he was struggling to get air into his lungs. When his limbs finally listened to him he broke out of Louis’ embrace and made his way to the bathroom.

He knew he couldn’t purge, not with Louis on the other side of the wall, and even if he could purge he wouldn’t get anything up except stomach-acid. But he craved relief. He needed it as much as he needed air. He needed it to survive. So despite the fact that Louis was sleeping on the other side of the wall, close enough to be within hearing range Harry crouched over the toilet, two fingers scraping at the back of his throat. He could feel it, feel how his stomach-muscles contracted, time and time again until he spat a small and pathetic amount of stomach acid into the bowl, feeling a tiny, tiny bit better. However the acidy burn in his throat was not enough to calm him down and kill the urge for release.

Harry reached into one of the drawers and took out his box. He opened it and fished out a new, fresh pack of razorblades. He fumbled with the package until the plastic finally broke and he quickly grabbed one of the blades with his fingers. Examining it and twirling it between his fingers, letting the light from the ceiling lamp reflect in the shiny surface. Pulling his shirt up and placing the razor against his skin, goose bumps appeared on the pale flesh, before quickly dragging it over his bulging stomach. Drops of blood beaded along the cut and he could feel the urge and the bottled up pain leave him. He just stood there, watching how crimson poured out from the cut and created a pattern on his pale skin.

After cleaning up and putting a bandage over the cut he got rid of the bloody tissues, covering them up with toilet paper, making sure Louis wouldn’t find them. Harry closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He felt better, not okay, but better. He prayed that he would be able to get at least a few hours of sleep. He turned off the light before tip-toeing back to the bedroom, sighing in relief when he saw that Louis was still out. Not that he had expected Louis to have woken up, but a small part of Harry still feared Louis had noticed what he had been doing and that Louis was going to call him out about it and he couldn’t handle that, because there was nothing wrong, not really. He just needed to do this to survive. He crawled down under the covers, closing his eyes, wishing sleep to come and take him away to dreamland.


	3. Chapter 3

Harry woke up the next morning by hunger cramps. Painful ones, those cramps that had his whole abdomen in its grip, but somehow he liked it. Because they meant that his stomach was completely empty. At least it had stopped growling for food he was not going to give it a couple of months back, which was a relief.

Louis was still sleeping like a log beside him, snoring loud and with his mouth open. Louis wouldn’t be up at the earliest in a couple of hours, and judging by how drunk he had been last night and how deep he was sleeping he was going to have a bitch of a hangover. When the hunger cramps had subsided a tiny bit, enough for Harry’s body to listen to him he rolled out of bed, wrapped his arms around himself and made his way over to the wardrobe. Same ritual every day, he couldn’t mess with it, he needed to do this. Camera, strip, snap a picture, step onto the scale, be disgusted with the result, put everything back, get dressed, eat some negative calories and go out running.

An apple was todays negative calorie food. An apple contains 90 kcal and it burnt 110 kcal to digest, so by just eating an apple he would burn 20 calories. After finishing the apple Harry put two aspirins and a big glass of water on the nightstand, grabbed the bottle of lemon-water and left for a run.

**

An hour later Harry returned to their flat, slightly unsteady on his feet, a light tingly sensation in his fingers. The lemon-water had made it easier, not a lot but enough to make up for the few calories it contained. The first thing his mind processed when he opened the door was the smell of fried eggs and bacon. It made his stomach turn and the thought of turning around and go out again seemed pretty appealing.

“Haz, is that you?” Louis called from the kitchen.

Fuck, too late. Louis had heard him coming in. Now he had to come up with an excuse so that he wouldn’t have to eat. _Stomach ache._

“It’s me.” Harry called back, kicking of his shoes before he went into the kitchen.  
“Had a nice run?” Louis asked and turned around to face Harry.

Louis had an over-sized sweater on, the sleeves rolled up several times, his hair was all tousled up and he still had sleep-gravel in the corner of his eyes. He looked so cute and cuddle and Harry would really like to burrow his face in Louis’ neck, inhaling his scent and just stay there, forever. But Harry couldn’t.  He forced himself to smile before he nodded and then quickly adding:  
“I did, but now I have a bit of a stomach ache.”  
“Maybe you’re just hungry, I mean after running. Breakfast should be ready in ten. Go grab a quick shower and then we’ll eat some breakfast, yeah and maybe you’ll feel better.”

Harry nodded and headed for the bathroom where he made a quick work of shedding his work-out gear and jumping into the shower. He turned down the temperature before turning the water on. Five minutes later he stepped out of the shower, drying himself off and quickly as possible and then pulling on a pair or sweats and a long-sleeved shirt.

Louis had set up the table, put the fried eggs and bacon on two plates, the light from a small candle flickering across his face as he sat there waiting for him.

“All fresh?”  
“Yep.”

He took a seat across from Louis, sighing and promising himself he would burn off the calories later. He was just about to take the first bite of egg, which looked pretty delicious… _No, it doesn’t. It’s filled with calories, nothing with that many calories are delicious…_  when Louis broke the silence.

“I found this picture…”

The rest of Louis’ words faded out. Harry’s heart was racing, his breathing quickening. He was seconds away from having a full-blown panic attack when Louis slid the picture across the table and Harry drew a breath of relief when he saw that it was one of the older ones that he had sorted out because the box were reaching its limit. He must have dropped one of them on the floor without noticing. He thanked some higher power that it wasn’t one of the latter ones, with scars and cuts scattered over his body.

“…don’t get why you would keep that from me. I mean, such a hot picture shouldn’t be hidden away.”

Harry just smiled and slowly started eating. Why wasn’t Louis disgusted by all those rolls of fat that covered his body? Harry himself was so disgusted he felt sick and had to struggle to swallow the piece of egg. When he had eaten half of the egg _50 calories_ , manage to choke down one strip of bacon _49 calories_ and downed a fourth of the glass of apple juice _24 calories_   he couldn’t continue. He felt so bloated and disgusting, so fat and repulsive. He put his fork down, covering his mouth.

“You okay?” Louis asked, his voice full of concern.  
“My stomach hurts more. Maybe I’m coming down with something.” Harry said and saw how Louis face fell.  
“I’m sorry for making you eat when you felt bad. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Haz.”  
“You’re forgiven, Boo. If you had anything to be forgiven for.”  
“Come on, let’s get you in bed, okay?”

Harry nodded, rose from his chair, putting his hand on his stomach, cringing a little before following Louis slowly into the bedroom. Louis tucked him in, kissed his forehead before laying down beside him. Harry closed his eyes and let his thought wander. _He had just consumed 123 calories in one meal. He hadn’t done that in months. He had to burn them off. Or maybe he could purge, he did have the perfect and reliable excuse for doing so._ Harry felt how Louis carded his fingers through Harry’s hair, playing with the curls. Harry loved the feeling of Louis’ fingers pulling and playing with the strands, nails scratching the scalp. He may have actually purred because he could hear Louis chuckle. Louis started humming softly on ‘Look after you’, continuing to card his fingers through Harry’s hair. Harry faked falling asleep, so maybe Louis would leave. Harry didn’t really want Louis to leave, but he really needed to burn off those calories. And soon enough Louis got up, kissed his forehead before leaving the room.

_He wondered for how long he could fake being sick before it becomes suspicious._


	4. Chapter 4

He heard Louis taking care of the dishes and the leftovers from the breakfast. He felt kind of guilty for lying to Louis, for faking being ill, but it was the only way, it had to be done. Ten minutes later Harry heard the muted sound from the TV and the unmistakable sound of Fifa reached his ears. Then he knew Louis wouldn’t come back into the room for a while and he silently crawled out of bed, laid down on the floor and started doing sit-ups.

Half an hour of vigorous sit-ups and 193 calories burnt later Harry was out of breath, a light sheen of sweat covering his body. He knew he could pass it off as a fever, so he wasn’t worried and simply crawled back into bed, pulling the duvet up to his chin. However he couldn’t get comfortable, the food still sitting heavily in his stomach and he felt the need for the burning, acidy feeling in the back of his throat. But it was too late to get rid of the egg and bacon because most of the calories had already been absorbed, however that didn’t stop him from wanting to make himself throw up.

Five minutes later everything seemed to be closing in on him and he just couldn’t deal with it anymore. He needed some relief, something to take the pain away. He made his way to the bathroom, quickly sinking down on his knees in front of the toilet, shoving two fingers to the back of his throat, stroking with experienced fingers feeling his stomach contracting. Not much coming up, mostly stomach acid and he felt slightly better. He shoved his fingers to the back of his throat again, gagging loudly. Only seconds later Louis came bustling into the room, the expression on his face changing as soon as he saw Harry kneeling in front of the toilet.

“Oh baby.” Louis mumbled and kneeled down beside Harry, brushing Harry’s hair of his sweaty forehead while Harry dry heaved a few more times before sitting back on his haunches, taking a deep breath, trying to calm himself down.

“You think you’re done, sweet cheeks?”

Harry nodded and let Louis help him up so he could wash away the taste of sick before letting Louis help him back to bed. Louis tucked him in, placing a bucket beside the bed ‘just in case’ he said and placed a kiss on Harry’s forehead.

**

The next three days passed in a blur of Louis coaxing Harry to drink water, or some rehydration-concoction or sometimes even some broth or soup and Harry throwing every single thing back up. Louis thought it was the nastiest case of a stomach bug the world had ever seen, but Harry knew it wasn’t, it was him trying to get perfect, it was him trying to keep in control of the pain.

On the fourth day Harry knew he had to start to ‘get better’ or Louis would worry and make him go to a doctor. So when Louis offered him a cup of chicken broth _38 calories_ he sipped it slowly. The smile on Louis’ face when Harry ‘was able to keep it down’ would have put the stars to shame in its shine and Harry felt a bit bad for lying to him.

On the fifth day it was white bread _74 calories per slice_ and rice _211 calories per portion_ on the menu and Harry hid as much of it as he could, as soon as Louis looked away Harry put small pieces of the bread and bites of rice into a napkin, eating as little as possible. Later he vigorously did crunches when Louis slept at night, resulting in burning muscles and bags under his eyes, but it was worth it, burning away all those calories.

Day six Louis decided that Harry’s stomach could handle normal food again and Harry had agreed, against his will and better judgement. That night when Louis had fallen asleep and Harry was sure that Louis wouldn’t wake up he sneaked out and ran for two hours _1003 calories burnt_. When Harry came back he had to literally crawl up the stairs to keep from passing out, but it was so worth it, so worth it. He used the last ounce of energy to stagger to the bathroom, digging out a blade, twirling it between his fingers before laying it against his wrist. He dragged the blade across his skin, watching the blood bead along the cut. He had to repeat the action again and again until there were seven new cuts marring his wrist before he could feel the urge starting to vanish and relief taking its place.

On the seventh day Harry were woken up by Louis’ ringtone. Harry buried his head deeper into the pillow, trying to ignore the annoying sound.  
G _et up and run, you lazy, fat disgrace!_ The voice in his head taunted him. Even though he knew it was true it still hurt and it made him want to feel the all familiar pain. He scratched over his wrist, nails pulling on the scabs from last night’s cuts and relished in the stinging sensation that spread through his arm, calming him down. Louis’ phone continued to ring for a good two minutes before Louis woke up and groggily answered. Harry watched as Louis’ expression changed from sleepy and content to distraught and annoyed in mere seconds and Harry knew who was on the other end of the line. When Louis hang up a few minutes later he confirmed Harry’s suspicion by saying:  
“Apparently I have a ‘date’ today.”

And from that moment Harry knew that today was going to be a bad day, worse than they usually were.

**

Harry had just got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his hips when he heard someone walk around in the living room. Louis couldn’t be back yet, he had just left ten minutes ago, just after Harry came back from running and Harry knew that Louis could never have walked or driven to Tesco, shopped and then walked or drive back to the flat in ten minutes, never.

Harry completely forgot to cover his upper body and walked out of the bathroom. He didn’t know who he expected to see in the living room, but it sure as hell wasn’t her.

“Okay, ew.” She said and turned her eyes away.

Silence.

“So, yeah, Boo forgot this last night.” She continued and held up a sweater.

Her calling Louis Boo made Harry’s blood boil; she did not have the right to call him that. She put the sweater on the coffee table and that’s when he saw which sweater it was. It was his sweater, his oversize and grey sweater. Louis had worn his sweater to a ‘date’ with the beard. It hurt more than Harry could put in words and at the same time it was a nice heart-warming feeling that Louis wore his clothes on his ‘dates’. He didn’t have time to dwell on it anymore because she turned back to him and started talking, god he hated her, so much.

“I don’t understand how you can walk around without a shirt. I mean look at you, you’re fat and ugly and it disgusts me enough to make me feel sick. You’re just an attention-seeking faggot and I can’t understand why Boo is with you, he could do so, so much better than you. Besides you’re right, you do need to diet, I mean just look at all that fat, disgusting! And you know what would be good for you? To lose some weight, that would do you some good, you goddamn fatty!”

He was about to ask how she knew about the diet when it hit him that he didn’t want to know. He knew that she was right but it still hurt to hear it and he had to try his hardest to keep the tears at bay. He didn’t think he succeeded to stop the tears or hide the hurt swimming in his eyes as good as he thought because she said:   
“Wow, you really are pathetic!”

She turned on her heels and walked out the door, slamming it behind her before he had a chance to respond. He hurried back to the bathroom, franticly searching for his blade. He needed it so bad his whole body was trembling. He deserved to hurt, he was fat, ugly, disgusting and pathetic and he truly deserved to hurt.


	5. Chapter 5

The time flew by and before Harry knew it, it was time to continue the tour, this time in Australia and New Zeeland. Harry knew he couldn’t bring his scale with him so he had to rely on measurements. Of course there might be a scale at some of the hotel gyms, but he couldn’t take that for granted. As a precaution Harry were also restricting his diet even more, just to be sure that he wouldn’t end up gaining weight. Harry knew he was slowly crawling towards double digits. But he only wanted to get smaller and smaller, always smaller. He wanted to be perfect and small, small and perfect. In the month that passed since the first incident with Eleanor Harry had tried to keep away from the flat, because he never knew when the beard would show up. He went to fashion shows with Nick, he was running and he was at the gym. So now, 21 lbs lighter, 14 scars richer it was time to tour Australia.

They were barely up in the air before Louis unbuckled his seatbelt, reached into his bag and then dumped a bag of Doritos in Harry’s lap and sat down again. Harry knew Louis was expecting him to eat. He racked his brain, trying to come up with an excuse Louis would believe.

‘I’m still full from last time I ate.’ _No, it was 8 am and Louis knew that he hadn’t eaten breakfast.  
_ ‘My stomach hurts.’ _No, Louis would worry and insist that they had to cancel shows.  
_ ‘I still feel a little car sick.’ _No, Louis knew he never got car sick, ever._

Harry closed his eyes, took a deep breath and made a mental note to himself to burn off the calories later. Louis opened the bag and the smell of cheese overwhelmed Harry. Louis took a handful of chips from the bag and started munching on them.

“They’re still you’re favorite, right?” Louis said, suddenly sounding very unsure and confused.

And it was first then that Harry realized he had been staring at the bag in Louis hand for way too long. Harry nodded, silently cursing for making himself look like a fool. Louis held up the bag to Harry and he reached into it and grabbed a couple of chips, putting one in his mouth. _12 calories._ Putting another chip into his mouth, slowly chewing it, breaking it down to a cheesy powder. _12 calories._

19 chips _235 calories_ later he felt disgusting. He felt the panic take over his body, his throat closing up and he bolted out his seat and into the tiny airplane-bathroom. He wanted to purge so bad, he needed it. He couldn’t let his body absorb all those disgusting calories. He put his head in his hands, trying to force air into his lungs. He wanted, needed to purge, to get those chips out, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t purge, not with Louis and the other lads so close and the plane being such an enclosed space. Even if he could do it silently the smell would betray him and then he would end up with Louis getting worried about him and he didn’t want that.

_You should have eaten them in the first place. You just have to burn off the calories as soon as you get off the plane._

Harry flushed the toilet, washed his hands before splashing some water on his face, trying to calm his breathing. When his breathing was almost back to normal again a few minutes later he opened the door and walked back to his seat.

He was met with a very confused look from Louis.

“What happened?”  
“Really had to pee.”

Louis simply nodded and turned his attention back to the Nintendo in his hands. Harry sat back into his seat and closed his eyes. Soon Harry felt how tears escaped through his closed eyelids. He had to concentrate really hard to not let out the strangled sob that was about to tear his chest apart.

“Harry?”  
“Harry?”

Harry opened his eyes and Louis was closer than Harry had thought he would be. Louis’ breath tickled his face, thumb gently stroking away the tears from his cheeks.

“You okay?”  
“Yeah, it’s just the dry air that makes my eyes water. No need to worry.”

Louis swallowed this lie as easy as all the other lies and that made Harry want to scream and shout in Louis’ face that he was not okay, that he was getting closer and closer to giving up for each day that passed.

**

Harry’s fake-sleeping must have been better than he thought because only half an hour later he heard Louis talking. About Harry. Things he didn’t think were meant for him to hear.

“I don’t think he loves me anymore.”

Harry wanted to smash his head against the airplane-wall. Louis sounded so miserable and Harry never ever wanted to make Louis feel like that.

“What are you talking about?!” Liam sounded almost angry. Harry didn’t want Liam to be angry at his Boo.  
“He’s distancing himself from me. He won’t talk to me unless he has to. And we haven’t, you know, had sex, barely even kissed for like forever. And I just miss him.”  
“He hasn’t stopped loving you, Lou. I don’t think he could even if he wanted to.” Zayn tried to argue.

Why can’t Harry do anything right? Why do always the people he love get hurt? Hurt because of him. Guilt gnawed in his chest, his wrist itching. Harry didn’t want to hear Louis talk about that anymore, pain and panic building up inside him. He had hurt Louis. Was he ever going to be able to heal him? Harry tried closing the sound out, but Louis’ words were still ringing in his ears.

**

Harry must’ve fallen asleep because the next time he opened his eyes it was dark outside.

“Nice of you to join the awake, Styles.” Niall said and poked Harry with his foot.

Harry rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and was about to come up with a witty reply when a menu was dumped in his lap.

“Dinnertime!” Louis screeched and placed a wet, sloppy kiss on his cheek.  
“How much have you drank?” Harry asked, cradling Louis’ face in his hands.  
“I… ha…ve… n’t…” Louis hiccupped and Harry turned to Liam who gestured to the collection of shot glassed on Louis’ sidetable.  
“Just great.” Harry sighed.  
“Food!” Louis said and slumped back into his seat, acting like a five year old.

Harry swallowed the sudden lump in his throat, picking up the menu from his lap. Pizza, no. Grilled cheese, no. Fries, no. It wasn’t until he reached ‘Tomato Soup’ that he finally decided. Tomato soup had 125 calories, too much but it was the only slightly acceptable thing he could find in the damn menu.

**

After Harry had choked down the soup they spent hours playing video games, making up silly stories and planning pranks for the tour-staff. Harry tried writing some on a song he was working on, but all he could come up with was _‘I’m so fat. Ugly. Disgusting.’_ After five pages of how fat and ugly and disgusting and unworthy he was he gave up. And hour later Harry grew tired of twiddling his thumbs and took a sleeping pill. Before the pill swept Harry off to dreamland he felt Louis cuddling up to his side and Harry couldn’t stop himself from putting his arm around Louis’ shoulders, despite the voice in his head telling him to keep his distance.

**

Six hours later when Harry’s eyes fluttered open again Louis were just inches away from him. Louis’ eyes even more dazed than before Harry went to sleep.

“I… I’m… hu… ng… rlyyyy, H… aaa… rrrr… yyyy!!”  
“Then eat something.”  
“Ee… at… wi… th m… e? Pw… ease?”

Harry so, so wanted to tell Louis no. He should tell Louis no. He really should tell Louis no, that he wasn’t going to eat. Not now, not anytime soon.

“He won’t eat if you don’t and to be honest he needs something else than liquor in his stomach.” Zayn pointed out, and god didn’t Harry know that that was true. Every time Louis were drunk and wanted to eat he refused to do so without having Harry join him. Harry sighed. He was going to have to do a massive workout later to burn all revolting, fattening calories.

**

A Mexican bean burger and 196 calories later Harry sat in his seat feeling sad, disgusted and bloated, very bloated. The burger sat heavily in his stomach and he have never wanted to get rid of food as bad as he did now.

His stomach churned uncomfortably and it wasn’t until half an hour later when acid and half-digested food started making its way up his esophagus that he connected the dots. He was going to be sick, without even having to shove his fingers down his throat. Harry didn’t have the time to thank any higher power before he had to grab one of those plastic bags in lighting speed before the burger ended up somewhere where he didn’t want it.

Harry has never seen Louis sober up that quickly ever before. He was at Harry’s side, rubbing his back, holding his hair back by the second time Harry retched into the bag, eyes not glassy at all.

Afterwards Harry felt empty, more perfect. He leaned his head back against the pillow. Louis was hysteric of worry, blubbering words at such a rate no one was able to understand what he was saying.

“Please, Lou, calm down. I’m fine.”  
“Butyouweresicksomethingiswrongareyousickagainareyou?” Breath. “Dowehavetocancelthetouryoureallyaresickaren’tyou?” Breath. “Harrybabywhat’swrongpleasedon’tletitbesomethingseriousohmygodohmygodareyougoingtodieHarry?” Breath. Breath.

“Louis, please breathe. I’m fine, I promise. It’s just dehydration from the jetlag, okay?” Harry said, trying to calm Louis down.

Louis gulped down a few huge breaths.

“You sure?”  
“Yes, I’m fine, I promise.”

Louis nodded before disappearing; coming back minutes later with a bottle of water and a bottle of rehydration drink. Harry did his best not to think about the calories content of the rehydration drink, but it flew through his head anyway, _10 calories per bottle_.

“Just sip it carefully when you feel like you’re not gonna be sick again, okay?” Louis sad and buried his fingers in Harry’s hair, massaging his scalp. It felt like heaven and Harry had to use all his power not to purr.

**

An hour later Harry had drank enough water and rehydration drink to make the lads, mostly Louis, satisfied. Louis wrapped a huge, fluffy blanket around Harry, insisting it was really necessary for the rehydrating process, and cuddled up to Harry, enveloping him one of his warm hugs, refusing to leave Harry’s side until they landed.

**  
As soon as they arrived at the hotel Harry went straight to the gym, not listening to any possible objections from the lads.


	6. Chapter 6

It’s the 29th of September and they’re doing their second show in Perth when Harry finally reach double digits and he rewarded himself with an extra glass of lemon-water.

On the 30th September, they had barely landed before Louis was on his way to Fiji. It hurt Harry a little that Louis didn’t ask if he wanted to come, even though Harry understand why Louis didn’t.

October 1st Harry hears something that makes his heart break. Louis went to Fiji to propose to the beard. Harry had spent the rest of the day in his bathroom, purging non-existent food ‘til he spat blood into the bowl and slicing himself open.

**

2nd of October: 98.5 lbs. _Not skinny enough, never skinny enough._

3rd of October: 98.5 lbs. _I’m fat. I’m sick of being fat._

4th of October: - - lbs. _My thighs are way too big and way too fat._

5th of October: 98.5 lbs. _Must. Not. Eat._

6th of October: 98.4 lbs. _Each night I pray for my bones to protrude more._

7th of October: - - lbs. _If I can pinch it, I can lose it._

 

10th of October: 97.1 lbs. _Do they even realize how much it fucking hurts?_

12th of October: 96.6 lbs. _You call me stupid? I fake a smile every day and you believe it._

 13th of October: 96.0 lbs. _Fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck._

16th of October: - - lbs. _Didn’t dare weigh myself. Talked to Louis and the beard was not with him on Fiji._

17th of October: 96.8 lbs. _There is nothing to love about me, nothing._

19th of October: 96.0 lbs. _Please stop this pain._

20th of October: 95.6 lbs. _Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears._

21st of October: 95.3 lbs. _Did you honestly believe me when I said I was fine? It’s so cute how you really think that I’m okay. I lied, I’m not okay._

23rd of October: 95.0 lbs. _Maybe if my heart stops beating it won’t hurt so badly._

24th of October: 94.3 lbs. _I wish you could hear all the words I’m too afraid to say._

25th of October: 94.3 lbs. _I honestly don’t care about myself anymore._

26th of October: 94.3 lbs. _Sometimes I look at my scars and I wonder why I hadn’t gone deeper._

27th of October: - - lbs. _Louis is driving to Melbourne with Zayn and I don’t know why. All I can put it down to is that he don’t want to be with me, wants to be away from me._

**

Harry has stopped losing weight and it tears him apart. Why couldn’t he be perfect? Why couldn’t he just be small, tiny and perfect? He wanted to be perfect so bad. He needed to be perfect, he needed the control. The pain inside were crushing him, tearing him apart and he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know how to deal with it.

After a small breakdown Harry went on his phone and searched for what to do to start losing weight again and he soon found out that if you binged occasionally it could fool your body and make it believe that you’re not in starvation-mode anymore and then automatically boost your metabolism. Harry knew he couldn’t leave the hotel to get food, he would just be mobbed and he couldn’t deal with that today. So he ended up ordering room service.

Just looking at the food in front of him made Harry feel sick and he started to regret ever taking the decision to binge in the first place. A big portion or Mac and Cheese _207 calories_ and a pint of Vanilla Ben and Jerry _1043 calories_.

He took a few bites, to try it out. It wasn’t until the flavors exploded on his taste buds that he realized how hungry he was, how hungry his body was. Soon he was practically inhaling the food until all that was left was an empty carton and an empty plate and it was hard to breathe.

Binging before a show may have been the worst idea ever but Harry’s brain were, still are, so consumed with the need to start losing weight again. Now, twenty minutes before the show Harry’s stomach was still threating to tear itself apart. It had taken him a lot longer than usual to get dressed because he had been forced to do it really, really slowly cause every time he moved pain shot through his whole abdomen.

**

They had just walked onto the stage when a particularly painful cramp hit Harry like a freight train and he had to bend over, just standing there breathing until the worst pain had subsided. Harry gritted his teeth and refused to be controlled by the pain and made it through the songs, and it wasn’t until ‘Teenage Dirtbag’ he started feeling really queasy. At the end of the song Harry couldn’t handle it anymore and his whole body bent forward, trembling with the force of the dry heave. He ran, as fast as his feet would allow him to, backstage. He dry heaved again while franticly looking for something to be sick in. out of nowhere there was a trashcan being pushed into his arms and he didn’t get a chance to look up to see who the kindhearted person was before Mac&Cheese and Ice cream was making its way up his throat.

As Harry retched into the trashcan he couldn’t help but wonder if this would still work to boost his metabolism and make him start losing weight again. When his stomach stopped trying to force its way out of him he had to try his hardest not to purge the rest up as well. He sunk down to the floor, wiping his mouth with the sleeve of his shirt, not caring if he got puke on it. He knew they had started ‘Rock Me’, the base made the whole floor vibrate. Seconds later the trashcan was taken away and a water bottle was being pushed into his hand. He sipped it carefully, closing his eyes for a brief moment before he was briskly lifted to his feet by someone.

“Out! Get out there again!” The voice boomed over the loud music.

That’s when he realized ‘Rock Me’ was almost over, he must’ve had his eyes closed for longer than he thought. Harry made his way back on stage, shooting a, what he hoped, reassuring smile to the lads. Harry knew he would have to explain what happened to them later, he dreaded it, but he knew he would have to do it.


End file.
